I need a vacation. I know what you are thinking, but you haven’t posted in a year – haven’t you had a long enough break? From blogging, yes. But, life has been hard and I’m feeling broken and overwhelmed and exhausted. My name is Rachel… and I do too much for everyone else. Don’t get me wrong, I love taking care of others and seeing their face light up when I’ve done something for them. This recharges me most of the time. But, lately, it hasn’t.
I’ve been debating writing this post for a very long time. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or selfish. I made some choices in the past two years that I regret and I’m having to live with the consequences. But it is 10:49 PM, and I have to be up at 5 AM, and I’m just laying in bed, tossing and turning, with this subject on my mind. So, it is time to get it out of my head and out in the open.
My Family is My Life
I love my family. Being a wife and a mother was always one of my strongest goals and with a son about to turn 18, another son about to turn 16, and a husband that I adore – mission accomplished. I’m a pretty good mom. I’ve made more mistakes than I can count. I have more regrets than I care to think about. Even with all of that, they have survived and are fairly well adjusted and kind young men.
Ben wants to be an auto mechanic, is planning on serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and wants to be a father. He’s empathetic, responsible, and my best friend. Ben is a big guy and all the kids at church and in our extended family love to climb on him and he’s everyone’s favorite guy.
Sean loves to cosplay, is smart and funny, and I’m incredibly proud of the fact that he will stand up for what’s right, even when it is hard to do so. If you know about others by their fruits – I’ve done well. Sean can teach himself to do anything he puts his mind to, he can run a 5k without any effort, and he’s unbelievably loyal.
I’m a lucky mom to have such great boys.
My marriage is fantastic. Perfect? No. We don’t communicate as well as I’d like. Money & politics cause fights, so we tend to just avoid the topics. My husband is responsible and reliable, but not romantic. I am supportive of his goals, I love to have deep intellectual conversations with him, but I struggle to keep our long term goals in mind and live more for today. We’re a pretty typical married man and woman who really do love each other a lot, despite our faults. There isn’t anyone I’d rather spend my time with and we’ll work through it all.
Two Hens in a Henhouse…
Two years ago, we moved my mother in with us. After the death of my brother, we thought we should just do it before she got to the point that she needed immediate help. She’s 76, and I’m the only person she has left. Well, she has a brother and a nephew, but I’m her daughter. It’s my job. We talked every day anyway and she could be there for my kids and they could spend time with the grandmother who loved them so much. We agreed that if there were issues, we’d do what was necessary to fix them and not let it affect our relationship.
This has not happened. It has been unpleasant, to say the least, and she has decided to move back to my home state once both boys have graduated and frankly, I’m holding on for dear life hoping I can make it that long. Anyone who knew us when I was younger isn’t surprised, but I had hoped that we had both matured. Apparently, we haven’t. Our intentions were pure, but it has not saved us from destroying our close bond. I miss my best friend, but I can admit this was a bad idea.
Who Am I? What Do I Want?
Now I’m 38-years-old, facing a relatively soon-to-be empty nest, and unsure of who I want to be when the kids are gone and what I want to do with my life. Cooking is my release. I have not stopped cooking, even though I have not been blogging.
Last week I made cranberry pistachio babka, with a silky smooth pistachio butter I made myself that would put Nutella to shame. This weekend, I made amazing Authentic Polish Pierogi with a wonderful mashed potato, bacon, homemade farmer’s cheese, and caramelized onion filling. I’m cooking up a storm!
But, with the stress of living with my mother, I’ve put on weight. I work 90 minutes away from my house and the 3-hour round trip commute is killer on my weekdays. And it doesn’t help that when I’m home I feel put down and degraded and mistreated. All of this is affecting not just my mental health, but my physical health.
And so I say again… I need a vacation, I need a break, I need to have the stress of life relieved for a short period so I can recharge and regroup and replan. Financially, a vacation isn’t gonna happen any time soon. But I have to do something, or I’m going to break.
And no one wants to happen.